A simple little thing called Failure... | 08.05.2017

Little thing called Failure

08.05.2017

Yes, yes here we are. Weeks go by and not a word has come out of my fingertips. A paralysing snowball effect of a lack of self-discipline has brought me to a very familiar place. A cocktail of procrastination, self-deprecation, and well…failure. 

Then again, failure is what you make of it. That’s the comforting thing. I have failed allot, I mean allot allot in my life. And I don’t regret a second of it. It’s painful, it’s humiliating, but it’s what you need to grow. It’s the grand storm that weeds out the weak and evolves the strong. 

It smacks you with a big unforgiving sign that says “You’re human, this is who you are!” and expects you to deal with it. I love it, in the most peculiar way. 

At fist I could only see the bad in the dark cycle of failing, I kept characterising it as pure evil. After that, I switched. I refused to see the wrong in it, only saw it as a teacher, a good thing, a necessity. Both are not fair, and I’d not be seeing it for what it was. It’s a swirl-wind of good and bad, not any better or any worse than it truly is.

I can do one of two things. Recoil, let this ‘project’/experiment simmer out, take the failure for what it is. Run away and find something else, something new and shiny and pursue that. 

Or. I can admit, I can confess that I failed to be consistent, that I neglected to continue writing, that I found something ‘hard’. That this is a learning curve, a path up a gruelling mountain. A path that for others seems so natural, a road of which I have realised that, I did not do the right preparation for. 

Sometimes I wonder why it’s so hard to admit that you failed. Maybe it’s the acknowledgement that makes it so real. It’s all well and good hiding from it, but at the end of the day, it’s always going to be there. It’s not going to just fuck off, just because it’s a little inconvenient or a little embarrassing.

Ultimately this is and is going to be, a long lesson in self-discipline and consistency. Something I want to be better at. Yes, I’ll probably keep stumbling and falling for a while. But at some point I’ll get stronger and better. As long as I remain honest with myself and honest with the world I should be fine…hopefully.